Well friends, we’re rapidly approaching the end of Big Brother. I feel like there’s going to be a hole in my life, but I’m planning on fixing it by watching my first ever season of Survivor (woo-hoo!). I really don’t know who’s going to win this thing at this point – really the only one I feel okay about is James, so I don’t know. After hearing about Corey gleefully telling the other houseguests about the time he set a LIVE GOAT on fire, all I know for sure is that I do not want it to be him. But who cares what I want? Let’s get to the show!
Go Team Meh
When we left the Big Brother house last, Paul and Victor and Corey and Nicole were in a new alliance, Natalie had maybe betrayed James but it seemed like to me she was just too ditzy to explain herself well, and the houseguests were knee deep in the new HOH contest. This comp involves sliding down a buttery ramp with a scoop of liquid butter to see who can fill up a large glass bowl with butter first. TOO MUCH BUTTER. This gave me flashbacks to when I worked at a movie theater as a teen and the floor at the concession stand was a lethal mix of melting ice and butter.
Yikes.
Houseguests can opt to just fill up the large bowl first, OR fill up a small bowl to get a bigger scoop. To me, the small bowl option feels like a waste, but who knows? If I were in the comp I’d probably just be crawling back and forth whining – or trip and snap my ankle first thing. Paul and Natalie are going for the small bowl big scoop strategy, while Corey and James just go straight for the big bowl.
We take a break from the comp for a f-f-f-f-flashback – where Nicole and Corey are planning to get James on their side and give your boys Victor and Paul the boot. Wow, that alliance lasted like, almost a whole week! Corey and James have a chat in the dark, so we’re treated to night-vision Corey.
Nightmare fuel.
Nicole comes in and joins this nocturnal pow wow, and tells James she’ll be forever grateful to him for saving Corey. James is all “aw shucks” and whatnot, so the trio alliance is a go. I mean, Nicole and Corey for sure wanted James out last week, right? Like, it was a last minute-ish decision to switch it to voting out Natalie? Oh well, who cares. Back to the slip-n-slide!
Corey has an early lead, Paul’s legs are covered with solidifying butter, Nicole falls down a lot, and James is doing okay but slowing down. We get like a solid minute of Paul busting ass on the course while Victor laughs, and whoever does sound effects MUST be getting paid by the sound because they are getting progressively wackier – like, past the point of reason. Cuckoo clocks AND slide whistles? Come on.
Eventually, about 30 minutes in, Paul mixes up his strategy and just starts sliding down on his butt – I guess he got tired of falling every five seconds – and it looks like he’s catching up to Nicole in the race to fill the wrong bowl first.
Friend-slip
The sound effects somehow go into overdrive even MORE as Nicole finally fills up the small bowl, so we get the loudest, squishiest squelches ever as she reaches in to unlock her larger scoop.
SQUAAAAARTCH
However, the large scoop came too late, because Corey’s theme music (which I guess is mild rock) comes on and Corey wins the whole damn thing – saying for the first of a hundred times this episode, “Woo! Let’s go!”. I’m only slightly exaggerating. I’ll provide you with a tally at the end.
I’m Rick Flair!
After Corey’s big win, Paul and Victor are real hype since they think they’re still in the Final Four alliance – you poor, not-sweet fools. But who cares, let’s go back in time to 40 hours before eviction and the bittersweet make-up talk of James and Nat! James is all “I care about you, and I thought us being on the block together would bring us closer together?” which doesn’t exactly make sense. He apologizes to her for saying she threw him under the bus and had a fling with Paulie and whatever else happened that we didn’t exactly see on the show last week (I’m starting to regret not following the feeds).
Natalie accepts his apology, I think they obliquely say that they love each other, but it’s hard to hear everything because Nat’s head is under the comforter. Nat’s all “I didn’t think showmances were real” but they totally are, you guys.
Showmance is for real
Back in the present, James is still missing Natalie, and it truly would suck to be stuck in the house alone with just the grossest of shomances and Ya Boys. Luckily, Natalie left James her shower flip flops to remember her by/protect his feet from foot fungus, so…sweet and gross.
A rose by any other name…
Oh, uh oh – Corey is going for James’ Prank King crown by putting salt in Nicole’s water bottle. This is great because it causes her to spit directly in Corey’s face, so kind of wish-fulfillment for me. After Corey gets a face full of salt water, “Let’s Go!” check out his new HOH room. He gets a pillow with his dog’s face on it,
So you like SOME kinds of animals, I guess.
a photo of he and his sister, and a Taylor Swift album. Maybe this is why he and Nicole are together – something about her (voice excluded, obviously) gives me T-Swift vibes. Maybe it’s just the hair. This show has been going a long time, guys.
Later that evening, as Paul and Victor obliviously shovel cereal in their faces in the kitchen, Nicorey solidify their plans to betray the Final Four alliance by putting both Victor and Paul up for elimination.
Dun dun DUN
They fill James in on the plan and make sure that he wouldn’t take Paul or Victor off the block if he were to win Power of Veto. Of course James is all about this plan, so all aboard the betrayal express! It is supremely ironic when James says “this just solidifies that Nicole and Corey have always had the best intentions towards me” – bitch, you were one inch from getting voted out last week!