Hi Trashiis! I will be recapping Teen Mom OG this season, and I’m already late to the party! After Teen Mom was semi-canceled, I only watched Teen Mom 2, because it’s got the perfect balance of boring and crazypants moments. I have come back to Teen Mom OG now, and I spent all week catching up to the last two seasons, so you’re welcome lol. Anyway, I thought instead of trying to recap all four previous episodes, I would just do a quick photo recap before launching into what happened to each of these ladies during episode 5! Hope you enjoy!
Amber
Amber’s horse tries to take her out to dance.
Kristina’s face when she looks at Gary just screams, “So this is love!”
Matt gets sage advice on life and tattoos from this savvy tattoo artist.
Two questions: Where are Gary’s eyebrows and what happened to the upholstery?
Amber meets her 19-plus-years-older fiancé’s even older cousin.
Somebody is thirsty!
Gary owns A LOT of knives.
Amber and Matt have been flipping houses. Houses in Indiana sell for peanuts, so this is a pretty profitable venture for them. Matt makes a comment about Trump needing to look out, and I would guess that by selling these two houses, they have made a higher profit margin than Trump already. Amber and Matt walk through the house and it looks a million times better than the last time we saw it. The producer asks Amber how old she is going to be on her birthday, and Amber responds that she is turning 26. The producer is astounded by how successful a 26-year-old bankrolled by MTV from the age of 17 can be. Amber puts out advice for all the Teen Moms out there to invest in real estate to set themselves up for life. Hahahaha as if there was any way in hell Amber would have afforded to start this house flipping business without the show.
If I become president, all teen moms will have TV shows for financial security.
Matt asks Amber is she’s excited about her birthday. She says she wants Leah to be there, even though it’s not her weekend. Matt says he’ll make sure her birthday is nice. Later, he texts Gary to invite him to a surprise party for Amber. Great, Matt, what a genius idea to invite her ex and his current wife. Literally, every scene that Kristina is in with the baby, she is feeding the baby these crunchy snacks. Despite being half Gary, the baby is pretty cute. That afternoon, Matt is mowing the lawn, and their producer asks Matt if he knows what he’s doing with a surprise party, as Amber is not super receptive to surprises. Matt says he has everything under control. He’s having her get her nails done and invite Amber’s former cell mate. This surprise party sounds awesome. Remind her of her failed non-marriage and her prison term all in one night! Matt says he recognizes that Amber hates surprises, but she’ll definitely love this.
Matt thinks using the words “bro” and “ur” will make him look younger.
It’s Amber’s birthday, and she and her cousin are going to the nail salon. She is not excited about turning 26 and doesn’t seem to be into partying either. When they arrive at her house, everyone’s cars are out in the driveway and ruin the surprise. A bunch of people are there, including Matt’s cousin from Boston, Gary and co., Larry the executive producer, and Amber’s former cell mate, Nicole She and Nicole hug and cry. Amber’s party is luau-themed, which is kinda funny considering where Farrah is during this episode. She introduces Nicole to the rest of the crowd. Leah must have had a lot of sugar, because she is super hyper.
Yeah, great surprise, guys.
Farrah
Farrah sets up an outhouse for the MTV crew that gave her fame and money.
Debra and I share a yearning for oblivion when we hear Farrah’s voice.
Farrah makes her mom bring her own food to their outings.
Sophia goes to her happy place.
Farrah kicks out Simon’s suitcase.
Farrah takes Sophia on a family vacation to Hawaii, because she needs vacation from the giant vacation that is her life. They sit around in offensive costumes and watch Hawaiian dance. The next morning, Debra, Sophia, and Farrah head to the beach. Farrah asks her producer Heather how come if the Earth is round, the water stays where it is (as opposed to flowing directly into space, I guess?). The producer answers gravity, and Farrah posits that she thinks water is heavier than gravity. I see the plastic surgeons took a little of brain with that nose job. Debra feels the need to change the subject and aggravate her daughter, so she asks about how things are going with Simon. Farrah is clearly not in love with Simon, but knows that nobody is sticking around for her personality, so she’s unsure what their situation is. Debra isn’t a fan of the relationship because they are always arguing. That’s Farrah’s relationship with everybody, though. Later that day, Farrah FaceTimes with Simon. He must be really desperate, because he apologizes for their Easter argument. She invites him to Hawaii with her, and since he has nothing else going on (like shit, doesn’t this guy have a job?) and agrees.
I feel like this is a recurring expression on Heather’s face when talking to Farrah.
Farrah takes pictures of Sophia and gets mad at Debra for photobombing. Later, Farrah tells her dad that she’s invited Simon. Michael questions her idea and asks if she loves Simon. Farrah doesn’t, even though she doesn’t say it out loud. She just thinks she needs to repair the relationship (and perhaps worries that she’ll be alone forever if this doesn’t work out). Debra is opposed to everything Simon-related and asks her not to ruin her vacation. Because Farrah loves to argue with her mom, she says she will definitely not ruin her vacation, no matter who is there.
Debra gives zero fucks about Farrah’s pictures.
Simon arrives and is stoked to be in a giant rental house for free. Sophia, dressed in a coconut shell bra and grass skirt, is in love with Simon and finds him immediately to give him a lei. Farrah is dressed in her lowest-cut, shortest, fanciest dress when he arrives, but acts all nonchalant about it. Sophia asks her if she’s in love with Simon, and Farrah mentally tries to strangle her. They go on a boat ride together and their producer almost falls out of the boat. Farrah is annoyed that Simon isn’t talking much. She seems to think that this means he’s not in to her, which might be true. He’s not being noticeably standoffish, so I have no idea what Farrah’s talking about.
Some days I have hope for Sophia. This is not one of them.
The next morning, the producers drop in to check on the whole Simon situation on the boat. She says after they didn’t have mics on, Simon accused her of being fake when the cameras were on. I mean, everything about Farrah screams fake, but I imagine her personality can’t get much worse than what we see on camera. She says she has no idea where he is, and some of his stuff is still at the house. She says she’s never experienced anyone so standoffish from her family, and her family agrees. WTF. Debra starts complaining about what he’s said about her, but Farrah shuts her down immediately, because this is the Farrah show. Simon calls from on top of a motorcycle and assumes that the producers would just deliver his things to him. She asks why he never called to apologize, and he says it’s hard to talk to her when she’s upset. Her amazing response is that she is never upset. I feel like Farrah should have Trump’s VP pick, because they share a similar debate style of shutting down conversation with nothing to back it up. Farrah puts his bag out next to the trash cans.
Farrah just hates Simon’s bags SO MUCH.
Maci
Taylor’s barber makes for both great entertainment and life advice.
Maci finally gets the question she incessantly badgered her boyfriend for.
Maci is having a million bridesmaids.
Still a better driver than Ryan.
Ryan’s dad tries to undo 28 years of damage in one conversation.
Maci was 21 weeks pregnant and thought she was just fat!
Is bathing your baby in the kitchen sink normal?
Maci looks for a dress that works on both pregnant and not pregnant brides.
Maci plays with her daughter Jayde. Later, she and Taylor head to dinner without the kids. They talk about how awesome it is to eat dinner without them, and Taylor points they’ll get a hot meal for a change, which is hilarious, as they went out for sushi. They discuss needing more room and a bigger house. Maci wants to settle down somewhere. The producer asks if they are seriously trying to buy a house and move in before the baby comes in 13 weeks. Maci wants to, but she wants to ensure everything is organized.
Maci figures out she’ll be stuck with man-children for life.
Maci and Taylor find a house to look at, and it’s enormous. I hope they plan on having 10 kids, because that’s how many will fit in that house. It also has a giant deck and a large pool. I bet it goes for $40,000 in Tennessee. They are in love with the house, and Maci wants Taylor to promise no more babies. Girl, you are old enough to figure out that shit on your own at this point. Get you an IUD or something.
This kitchen makes me wish I got pregnant at 16 and filmed an MTV reality show.
Their offer on the house was accepted immediately, probably because it was in cash. They start the process of moving. Taylor and Maci start putting their bead together, and Taylor says he can do it super quick if he gets a few beers in him. Charming. Their producer notices that he has a new tattoo, one with a heart that has the names of the kids around it, including Maverick for their new baby, except that they weren’t even sure of the baby’s sex yet, and don’t seem to have completely agree on that name, either.
Maci is great, but she is second only to Leah in terms of worst baby names of all the Teen Moms.
Ryan drops Bentley off at Maci’s new house. He’s very impressed with the new place. I think Ryan regrets being such a piece of shit to her sometimes, because he could be having a much easier lifestyle, financially. Maci shows Bentley to his new room, and Ryan makes bad jokes about Bentley sneaking in his girlfriends past his mom. Later, Maci and Taylor eat dinner as a family, and Jayde starts cracking herself up. It is the cutest thing all episode.
No jokes here, just Jayde cuteness.
Catelynn
Tyler’s reaction to Catelynn’s suggestion of more kids.
The seed is strong in Nova.
I don’t think this is how Mommy and Me gymnastics works, Tyler.
Butch tries to scar Nova for life.
Oh yeah, and Catelynn got a pig.
Catelynn’s part of the episode is very thin, because it’s mainly her getting ready to go to Arizona for inpatient treatment. The producer comes in to find Catelynn lying down in her couch, and gives her a hug. Of all the moms’ interactions with the producers, I find Catelynn’s to be the most codependent. She seems unable to function without MTV around. Catelynn is getting ready to check into an inpatient mental health facility. Tyler does that thing where he insults Catelynn and simultaneously apologizes for insulting her. It is super not cute. Catelynn heads to her therapist’s one last time before going to inpatient care. She says he has had a mental breakdown. She is looking forward to not self-medicating on weed, but she’s worried about leaving Nova.
Nova is not a fan of MTV.
The next morning, Catelyn is packed to go and looks exhausted and very worn down. Tyler is dropping Catelynn off at her mom’s house so she can say goodbye. He is sad because she’s leaving and starts to cry. Catelynn arrives at her mom’s house, and she and Tyler have a very sad goodbye because he has to pay contractors at their new house. Catelynn and her mom immediately pack up the car to leave. Okay, that seems like a really weird arrangement to get taken to the airport.
April’s just like, “It okay. Don’t be cry!”
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