Alright trashies, it’s unfortunately that time again- Scream Queens is back. I will say, I was planning on spending today maybe watching some season 1 episodes or ever reading my old recaps, as a refresher. But then I thought..I’m sure Ryan Murphy doesn’t remember what happened last season, why should I?
This season begins with another flashback, to Halloween in 1985, and Laura Bell Bundy is there. I’m not even kidding, you guys, there’s another pregnant lady. And she was wronged. Once AGAIN, we have to pretend to figure out who the baby is, as if it will make any sense.
Speaking of not making any sense, Jamie Lee Curtis is now a feminist icon who is opening up a teaching hospital. With John Stamos and Taylor Lautner. Writing Scream Queens recaps is a job that really does itself. I don’t need to write jokes, I just need to state what actually happened. There is a lady that looks like a werewolf and Dean Munsch has guaranteed her she will find the cure. Not that she’s a doctor or anything. But hey, any excuse to make a cheap joke about Bill Cosby?
So for this fake teaching hospital, Munchies has decided to seek out Keke Palmer, who just so happened to be in med school. For some fucking reason, she decides to join the practice. Also, did we get any idea on where the one girl went? The one with the stupid hats and the creepy dad? Did she die? I don’t remember.
John Stamos is doctor, in case I need to remind you, and he also lost his hand in a garbage disposal. So he got a new one.
HAHAAAAAND MERCY
So he was a really good surgeon and then he lost his hand. And then he got a new one. It’s for sure from a serial killer or something. Oh, and Taylor Lautner is freezing cold. Please tell me he’s a vampire.
Zayday promises Ms Hairymerica a cure in the next week, because that’s what doctors do. Then the happy candy striper comes in and I’m pretty sure we’ve found the murderer, or at least No 5’s love interest. Ugh and here she comes. All because Zayday thinks there should be more girls around. Naturally, Munchies thinks to bring in the Chanels. They’ve all found jobs in a very loose definition of a medical field, so it….works. Their fashion has not gotten any better, by the way. Zayday is so upset at the sight of them, that she screams and drops her laundry. Then she is immediately thrilled they are there, because it’s going to be so fun! You know, like what happens when you see your college friends.
I will say, I really like Chanel’s approach here. She sees John Stamos, decides she’s interested, and just takes off all of her clothes. We also zoom in one some weird tattoo of an H on his back. I’m sure it’ll be important at some point, in season 26.
Back to hairy lady, they decide the only way to get rid of the hair all over her is to drill into her head. I’m glad I don’t know anything about medicine because I would be even more outraged than Jamie Lee Curtis is to be doing this show.
Now, just as mysteriously as she did in the Netflix series “Flaked”, Kirstie Alley showed up in the hallway, with a line she said to herself in the mirror the morning of filming. (Yes, I know you probably didn’t make it far enough into the show, but Kirstie Alley had a role on Flaked)
I love irony. And I also love CHEERS.
Another beautiful ironic moment is Chanel telling No. 5 her face is a “channel changer”.
Chanel decides to try and figure out the cure for the hairy lady, even though she’s been suspended, and the sure fire way to find a cure? Go try and give John Stamos a blow job. She starts her seduction by reading off the patients eating habits in her classic sexy voice. My theory of his hand being that of a serial killer is coming more obvious, and then he figures out the cure: more soy.
There are too many flaws for me to even begin with here… But seriously. Don’t eat too much vitamin D, girls! It will turn you into a werewolf! If this were true, I would’ve made myself a werewolf by now. It sounds awesome. Also, when they stormed into the lobotomy… was Zayday about to do it? A med student?! And she’s MAD they wouldn’t let her do it? Please, take me to a Lady Gaga music video. Give me something that makes sense.
Well that was a nice break from pink boas to denim underwear. But now we’re back. Drinking some soy milk made hairy girl lose all of hair overnight, naturally, so they decide to draw some eyebrows on her and she’s healed!
Chanel No. 5, currently on suspension, is working the graveyard shift. She’s in charge of putting not-hairy lady into a Yolanda Foster type treatment for an hour, and puts herself in one too. So they’re both locked in these scalding hot tubs, just in time for the killer to show up. I saw on the Scream Queens twitter, someone called them “The Green Meanie”. Please tell me this is really the name. If not, I will use it anyway. THE GREEN MEANIE for sure beheads the patient, and looks like he kills No. 5 too. But we don’t fully see it, which could mean anything.
Me when I cut myself shaving
Please let it be Nick Jonas. Please.
Alright, thank you guys so much for reading and allowing me to get out my frustrations about ABIGAIL BRESLIN. This show does have one redeeming quality for me, and that is: the reassurance that truly anybody can write for tv. Maybe I have a chance. We all have a chance.
Please read, share, comment, etc. <3
xoxoxo kat