CNN – Presented with Zero Snark
Because honestly, this sounds pretty fucking terrifying. Kim Kardashian was robbed at gunpoint yesterday in Paris after two psychos dressed as policemen forced their way into her apartment. The thieves apparently bound and gagged Kim, placing her in the bathtub before they made off with millions of dollars worth of jewelry. Miraculously, the kids were not there during the incident, and Kim has since returned to New York to be with Kanye.
ONTD – WHAT THE SHIT IS THIS
Nerdy Santa Claus George RR Martin announced the completion of his latest novel via his blog on Saturday. It’s called Mississippi Roll and it’s the latest in the Wild Cards series? So, see you never I guess, plausible end to the Game of Thrones universe. Your dumbass fat fuck of a dad is too busy scribbling out poker porn or whatever the hell that stuff is.
ET – Remember Bindi Irwin?
She is a small marsupial troll from Australia who screams in people’s faces and “loves animals” all in the name of her late father, Steve LOL Watch Me Kill Myself Irwin. Well, here she is, screaming in Entertainment Tonight’s face about her boyfriend wearing khakis. And how that’s serious or something. I don’t know. Why is this news. ET, what are you doing. Listening to Bindi Irwin tell this story is like listening to someone talk about a stupid dream they had over and over and over. What is the point.
People – “Sarah Jessica Parker Hints at Sex and the City Reunion (and We Couldn’t Be Happier)”
YEESH. That makes one of us in this great big world of ours, People. I’m sorry, but were you high, blind AND deaf when you watched that last abortion of a movie? Did you not see four make-believe monsters totter around on screen misappropriating and disrespecting Islamic culture while they screamed about their sex organs and sobbed about how hard it was to be rich? You want MORE of that? More. No, People. We will have no more. Sex and the City has had its day. And like Donald Trump, it is best left back in New York, back in the 90s, back with its skin intact, back when we were all blissfully ignorant.
TMZ – Nice Day for a White (House) Wedding Haha Get It Good One Brain
So Michelle Obama’s former assistant Kristen Jarvis is marrying Barack Obama’s former secret service agent Shaun West, which kind of reminds me of the plot from 101 Dalmatians, which is adorable. Even more adorable: Sasha and Malia will be serving as bridesmaids, accompanying Kristen on a raucous bachelorette in Vegas, holding her hair while she pukes, shelling out hundreds of dollars on unnecessary clothes, travel and expenses, tolerating numerous egomaniacal wedding tantrums, and holding a dress in a tiny stall while Kristen pees. Congrats, girls!
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