Hey Survivorettes!!!!!
Sorry this recap is going up so late in the week (I really try and aim for Saturday postings during Survivor Season). I’ve been super sick all weekend and generally still feel like crap but I needed to get this done before it was comically late. You guys all killed it in the comments section btw last week. Y’all had me hootin and hollering at work.
Previously on ….. (dramatics drum sounds) Survivor – we met some of the brattiest children of all time (see Triforce alliance), I got confused because I thought we were watching Gilligan’s Island, Jessica’s eyebrows kept disappearing and when they finally showed up, they brought some pink eye with them. The old people lost and voted out Rachel’s “natural” flotation devices.
The GenXers get back to camp and are struggling to build fires. Papa Smurf doesn’t seem to be having any luck with the flint and finding his inner smurfiness. He is happy that he has found his way into a strong alliance and shades the fuck out of Ugh (David) for being terrible. David decides to try his hand at making a fire….
OMG ….. it worked?????? Ugh is actually capable of doing something????
Never mind, he still can’t break a stick with his bare hands
Paranoia is once again creeping into David’s head as he goes crazy some more looking for idols all around the woods
Ahhhhh I’m outside. I’m so scared
Unfortunately/Fortunately (still haven’t decided) he finds a coconut with a weird symbol on it conveniently placed next to a tree. He surmounts that idol must be inside
…because obviously CBS grew special idol containing coconuts somehow
So here the deal with Ugh (David). I find him entertaining as hell, but also super fucking annoying. I can’t figure it out.
We then go to our first commercial without any opening credits at all. I guess CBS has just given up us ever figuring out what everyone’s name is.
After break, we catch up with the Mills and the disgusting relationship with are getting with Radical Taylor and Figgy Newton
She’s like towwwtallyy raddddd and super cutuuhhh
He has pretty eyes…..
Also sexy coconut drinking
Later that night they totally start making out on the beach while Mikayla is there to sass to say and make the face we all are right now
You all are disgusting
Thank you Mikayla Queen of Sass!!!!!! Zeke seems to be the only one on their tribe concerned that they are forming a power couple. Even their BFFFFFFFFFF Jay is worried that Hos have finally overtaken the Bros. And if Jay is calling you out, then you know something is realllly bad.
Over at GenX, Douche Barbie decides to take his super tight boxer briefs (not complaining) out for a swim and catches an octopus. He interview that he is super shy
Clearly he is sooooo camera shy
Douche Barbie decides that he sees a lot of himself in Ugh (David) and that they should be friends and they form a makeshift alliance. Ugh (David) even reveals that immunity idol to him. I never understand why people do this!! Keep it a secret. Telling people always screws up your game 90% of the time. The only time it really ever worked out for someone was with Yul getting Jonathan Penner to switch sides by showing him the idol and essentially getting the numbers back on his side. Plus that season was so accidentally racist so it was a hilar season
On the Mills side, the reality of actually having to survive is setting in. Maybe it isn’t just all fun and games.
The Queen of Sass Reigns supreme when she says that the key of survivor is to blend in at the beginning and work you magic behind the scenes. Yes! Finally someone gets it. Figgy’s magic is all over the place and she’s been a mess since day 1. She also reveals that she suffers from the same disease that Jewpacabra does. Even though our mouths don’t move, our faces tell a story that is very easy to read. Unlike Jewps, she is trying to keep hers under control.
All Hail
Whoops laying low lasted two seconds. Her and the Newton get into a stupid little fight in which Newton tells her to just keep eating her sugar can
“I will! It tastes delicious”
The fight is just a stupid catty girl fight.
Over at GenX, Cece and Douche Barbie are talking about trying to get Paul out and are strategizing and stuff. Except we getting weird cut scenes of Papa Smurf looking really dazed and confused
Papa Smurf needs some smurf berries… badly
Wowza, medical is called and it seems as though medical thinks he may have had a mini heart attack. They get an EKG on him and he’s actually pretty ok. He was just having the early signs of heat exhaustion. Ugh (David) feels bad but is actually kinda happy because it is showing Papa Smurf to be a kinda weak player and it might be easier to get him voted out.