Hey hey, Trashmeisters. Are you ready for more Gay Bachelor? Cause we’ve got two more episodes to slog through here and it’s so much easier if you come along for the ride with me. Last week Chad was a total Chad, Sam was a bitch/bully, and the last hold-out without six-pack abs was sent packing. It makes sense though. Robert is gonna want to be with someone he has things in common with, and what would he have to talk about with someone who didn’t do sit-ups?
So when I’m not doing sit ups I like to do planks, deny myself carbs, and do crunches
We start the day in the house, where Chad is crying and trying to call a truce with everyone he’s been a d-bag to. Lance shows up and gathers all the boys to the yard, and you know he’s a professional cause he didn’t even need a milkshake to get them there. There’s a blind “Plick-a-card” game to see who gets to go on a date with Robert, because there’s nothing more interesting than watching people draw a card at random. I’m on the edge of my seat here. THE EDGE.
Ohmigodcards!
The first date, which is a “touch date” will go to Justin and Sam. The second date, which is a “taste date” will go to Dillon, Chad, Danique, and Paul. Turns out that by “touch date” they don’t mean they’re sending them to feel each other up in the backseat of a car, but rather to do acro-yoga in a field. Sam is terrible at it, but that’s okay because Sam is a deplorable shit and I enjoy watching him fail. Justin does a great job at the yoga part, but then both suitors suck bawls at the alone time talking parts of their dates. There are a LOT of awkward silences, and no kisses.
Back at home the boys bitch about their dates not going well, and Sam yells about Dillon a bunch because he’s a snitch who told Robert that Sam was a bully. Which he is.
Time for a “taste date” and (surprise) it’s wine tasting. Are gay men basically just upper class suburban basic housewives? I love me some wine-tasting too, but aren’t these shows supposed to send them to do interesting things? We don’t even get a hot air balloon ride or some shit? When is the Craigslist crystal meth orgy that the media has assured me happens every time gay men gather together? I feel ripped off. I thought I was gonna be watching a very different show.
Go watch the first season of Queer as Folk and get back to me when you’re ready to be more interesting TV gays
Robert wastes no time at the tasting bar before making a “Spit or swallow” joke. Thank god because if no one jumped on that opportunity I was gonna give up on this show entirely. All the boys get some 1-on-1 time with Robert while they walk around the vineyard and it’s really boring. Chad talks a bit about his meltdown, Paul discusses his feelings, but Robert thinks he’s way too stiff (insert gay joke about being stiff here, I don’t want to think about weiners right now), Danique is tipsy and adorable and talks about guys always liking him but only wanting to be his friend (I totally want to be his friend. That little Nancy looks like a blast to be around), and Dillon talks about how Robert gives him butterflies, before going in for a serious kiss and getting instead an awkward gramma kiss from Robert. Sick burn, dude. At least you tried. No else here seems ready to nut up and make a move.
Sad horns
Robert and the foursome of suitors decide to go back to the house and surprise the other contestants. Hot tub party! Wooooo! There’s a bunch of hot half naked men with perfect bodies enjoying some bubbles, but Logo knows exactly what you want to see…. Almost identical white guys talking about their feelings and then having a really flacid boring kiss. Either Robert is a TERRIBLE kisser, or Logo is censoring all the passion out of the kisses to keep the show from getting too edgy.
Afterward Dillon pulls Robert aside to rant to him about how “some people” aren’t there for the right reasons and “some people” are fake and Robert deserves way better than “some people.” After being a bystander to some weak ass drunk shade throwing Robert decides he should head out for the evening. Sam observes but doesn’t hear the shade throwing, assumes it’s about him (it is, but he’s still a twat for assuming it immediately), and decides to pull a Chad on us. So he packs his bags to leave, but not before stopping to spew vile hatred on Dillon and then ACTUALLY SPIT ON HIM. Dafuq, Sam? Who the fuck raised you? No one does that. That’s nasty.
Danique’s reaction to the entire scuffle is perfect
Awkward Tie Ceremony Time! The obvious choices get their ties first, then Robert tells Brendan that he keeps forgetting he’s there (honestly, so do I) and he needs him to stand out more. Brendan gives him his sobriety necklace to hold onto as a gesture, and in the end he gets to keep his tie. The boy giving up his tie, and his dream of living with man made entirely of abs, is Danique. Aw man, that sucks. I really like Danique. Just like every guy Danique has gone out with for the last 11 years, Robert sees him more as a friend. Sorry, homie! If I were a gay dude instead of a lesbian I would totally hunt you down and make you date me.
Someone date this adorable boy. Please!