We’ve made it to week 5 of the Gay Bachelor! Five weeks of a bunch of attractive single gay men locked in a house together and we haven’t had a single side-piece scandal yet. How is this possible? Are these dudes all chemically castrated before filming begins? That would explain some of the neutered-ass kisses we’ve been seeing. Everyone here, including super flamboyant Robbie, just seems so goddamn sedated. I’m glad to see us breaking through gay stereotypes, but we’re at risk of starting a new one here. Namely that gay people are FUCKING BORING.
We’re down to six incredibly dull suitors, and we’ve also reached the point of the show where everyone drones on and on about how many people have gone home and how it’s finally getting real and how the house seems so empty. Blah blah blah, we’ve all watched reality shows. We’re glad you feel like the competition has finally started.
Lance Bass shows up to announce a masquerade ball, and he also looks very sedated. What the fuck is the Xanax budget for this show? The remaining suitors have to make masks that represent a secret they keep hidden, and then at the ball they’ll reveal the secret.
What color glitter means “Super into tentacle hentai?”
Oh goddammit! Eric, the one who looks perpetually stoned, has made a bright red mask to signify that he’s been living with HIV for ten years. What the fuck, Eric? I can’t make fun of that. You’re throwing off my groove as a snarky recapper here. You’re very brave for representing and being honest, and you get a pass for the night. I will not mock anything you do this episode unless it’s really really funny.
Can I at least make a MasquerAIDS pun? No? That’s fair.
Time for the ball! (hehe, ball). Since there’s only 7 total people in attendance, and since you can’t play music while filming a reality show because it’s an ADR nightmare and impossible to edit around (I learned that from watching Unreal) this ball is a handful of dudes holding up masks while awkwardly dancing to music that hasn’t been edited in yet while looking uncomfortable and waiting for their evening Xanax dose to kick in. Even Robbie won’t provide us with any entertainment tonight, as he’s trying to be super serious to show Robert his deeper side. Because nothing says healthy relationship like changing the most important deep-seated aspects of who you are as a human in order to impress a guy who isn’t actually all that interesting.
Let’s get to the secrets! They make Eric go last, and it’s a damn good thing because every other guy’s secrets are basically, “Onions have layers, sometimes I get sad, my life wasn’t always easy.” Can you imagine if they’d had Eric go first and then Brandon had to follow that secret up with, “Sometimes my outsides match my insides. I don’t know what a secret is.” The best secret of the night gets a solo date with Robert, and that obviously goes to Eric.
Robert and Eric have a sweet tear-filled non-mockable talk about people they know who died of AIDS and how hard it is living with HIV. They have dinner, and then make out like two chemically castrated homies on Xanax.
The next day there’s a BBQ and Robbie tells us he’s done being serious. Thank Christ! This house has enough boring basic bitches already. Robert tries to mingle with all the different guys, but Eric follows him around a little bit like a clingy stalker. Not a good sign, Eric. No one likes a stalker. Eric was clearly not built for this sort of competition, and starts to get teary-eyed and almost throws a tantrum when Robert runs off to make out with Chad. The idea that these guys are all competing for a monogamous relationship actually is kinda nuts. Who thinks this is a good way to find a partner?
At the BBQ Robert makes out with just about everyone, but at the end of the night he’s still gotta send someone home. The tie ceremony is still awkward and weird as fuck. Like, when Lance Bass is explaining how it works you can almost hear the pain in his voice. This was the weirdest idea ever. Who moves a relationship forward by saying, “I’d like you to continue wearing my tie?”
The black tie. A timeless symbol of love and commitment
The bottom two this week are Justin and Robbie, but in the end Robbie is just too fabulous and he was starting to show through the sedatives, so they had to send him home. He wishes everyone well and they all hug and cry because they’re all such good friends and none of them are trying to sleep together or back-stab each other and OHMIGODTHISSHOWISSOBORING!. Join us again next week for another fun episode of the reality dating version of watching paint dry.