Hey Trash bags!
With Halloween right around the corner, I was just thinking to myself, “What ridiculous costume is Heidi Klum going to wear this year?” Next thing you know, this new piece of trash appeared on my tv…must have been a gift from the Great Pumpkin.
No need to fret. She’s not on the show. I can’t deal with that accent of hers. Anyway, from what I can tell it’s basically like Shark Tank, but for “fashion designers.” There are four investors who I didn’t recognize, all sitting in a New York Loft. There’s Rebecca Minkoff, who is a fashion designer that began her 100 million dollar company with one hideous tee shirt, similar to one I “designed” in junior high with a shirt from Wet Seal and a pair of scissors.
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SCIENTOLOGY SELLS!
There’s also, Katia Beauchamp, co-founder of Birchbox. Christine Hunsicker, who is the founder of the plus size women’s apparel brand, Gwynnie Bee. And Gary Wassner, some fashion financier. Alright, on to the pitches!
First up is Laura Wass, founder of an accessories brand of “wearable art,” (her words-not mine) called WXYZ. She walks in like a total betch, and I did a double take because I honestly thought it was Stassi from Vanderpump Rules. They are seriously twinzies, maybe more from season one, but I digress. She is followed by these two dancers in black catsuits with the ears to match moving in a feline manner, and I was beyond embarrassed for everyone involved, including myself for witnessing it. She says she was really into metal smithing growing up and she has made all these pieces including a crown and a metal bra type thing…very wearable. I call BS on being into all this as well. She probably wanted to wear a shiny gold crown for her sweet sixteen (and everyday) and her rich daddy got someone to make her one. I could be wrong. Maybe she was full Jennifer Beals in Flashdance…what do I know?
I AM THE QUEEN OF THE NIGHT
Apparently Beyonce and Nicki Minaj have worn pieces in their music videos. I guess I could see that…but no normal person would be caught dead in this stuff. Especially considering the crown retails for $460. I almost spilled my two buck chuck when I heard that!
So the judges agree with me that it’s too pricey and she says she has a new neon material that can bring down the price. The male judge, Gary, laughs at the fact that she’s already gonna knock off her own product. He’s slowly becoming my favorite shark, I mean judge. He wants her to set up a pop-up store so he can see how people respond to the crap and if they actually buy it. Oh, and she’ll get a mentor…we’ll meet her later.
Next into the tank…oops, wrong show. Next up is Kaeya, the creator of Zip Tank. Basically, she took a basketball jersey and closed the bottom of the tank with a zipper. Now you can wear it, or zip it up and throw the arm holes over your shoulder, making a fun bag! Genius. I thought it was kind of a cute bag to throw your stuff in and head to a game, or the beach, whereves. We’re not talking high fashion here, but cute! Of course the three women judges hate it. One of them says it “screams chotchkie.” I thought that was a little harsh. Hey, they sell clothes in Walmart people. Uh, I mean, they sell clothes in Walmart?? Who knew?
DON’T “BAG” ON MY JERSEY BAG
Did I mention that she also created some box that folds in on all sides and she sold her box company for a lot of dough? I’m all in with this chick. So, Katia and Rebecca both pass and Gary is interested. Then, after talking a lot of crap on the product, Christine wants to fight it out with Gary. Oh, NOW she’s interested? Basically, she is more interested in her other ideas than this one. She says Gary’s deal will put Kayea in debt and that she wants to invest in her and her “clever little products.” I found that a bit insulting. She offers to split everything moving forward 50/50 and she takes the deal. Whatever.
Back to Laura, with the metal crap. It’s time for her “Road Test.” Oh god, the dancers are back, and now she has converted everything to the neon junk. Judge Christine comes to check it out. There are actually people there buying things (paid family and friends) and she asks everyone their thoughts. One girl said, “It looks like plastic straws.” Guess what…it does.
LAST SEEN: TACO BELL DUMPSTER
I know you’re DYING to find out what happens with this girl and where you can buy her wearable art, but we have a new “designer” ready to pitch. It’s Denash, the founder of Bear Hug. He wants $250,000 for 10% of his company. That would value his company at 2.5 million. My favorite judge, Gary, is already laughing. Basically his product is a sweatshirt that you pull your arms out of the sleeves and put them to your stomach to keep you warmer. Sorry buddy, but my two older brothers invented this when I was a kid. Instead of keeping me warm, it kept me immobile, since they took the empty hanging arms and tied them around my back so I couldn’t get out…you know what I’m talking about people. Anyway, this is totally ridiculous in my book. This guy says he left his banking job where he was making six figures for this…in other words, he was fired. Of course, all the judges hate it. My boy Gary is confused.